What do we think about ourselves? How do we feel about ourselves. This 3 minute video from Dove rings true to me. What do you think?
For me its not just about beauty. The work here is about appreciating ourselves more and not apologising for who we are. From my work with hundreds of people on a public speaking training I've been so struck by just how common it is to feel unworthy, how we are so ashamed of ourselves. And we can be so critical of ourselves. We are so tough on ourselves - "If we treated our friends like we treat ourselves - we would have no friends" (not sure who said that)
I'm not a Christian but I think these words from a preacher who came on my course last week expresses the inner conflict very well.
One of the things that really hit me on Friday (on the course) was how much of our lives we spend being who other people want us to be. In my case I just want to be the person God has created me to be and not a fake ‘preacher’ the church has fashioned. The realisation had quite an impact and by the end of the trip home on Friday I felt my brain had been rewired (and it hurt!) I spent half the night talking to myself (and God) and promising never to be ashamed to be me again
You might think that shame is a strange thing to explore on a public speaking course. To be honest is not the main aim of the course - I want people to feel comfortable speaking in front of people. But if we carry a belief that we are not good enough then its hard to stand in front of people with ease. Learning how to soften this belief, step around ourselves and realising that everyone else is really worried about what people think of them is part of the work. We are not on the earth for a huge amount of time so let us have the courage to be human, imperfect and learn to be friends with ourselves.
]]>1. We have wonky brains. Our brains are great at reacting to what we think are threats.
We over-read, over-think and over-react to potential threats and we make up threats for ourselves. Our brains are biased to looking for threat. So often we think we are being judged or people in the audience don't like us
2. We mis-understand blank faces in the audience - we seen them as threats.
They are just listening faces but we are used to faces that show approval like in a normal conversation. Audiences listen differently to someone listening to you in a conversation
3. We are tough and overcritical of ourselves.
Our inner critic puts us down. We don't think we are good enough, we think we are boing. That negative internal voice really gets going when we are under the pressure of public speaking. "I'm crap, everyone else is ok" is a very common thought
4. We think that we are transparent and people can see all our faults (the transparency illusion).
Its not true but we really think it is.
5. We compare ourselves unfavourably to other people who are better than us.
This is tied into previous point. We think everyone can see our faults so when we don't see them in other people we think that they are ok and don't feel like you do. They might be just as scared as you but it doesn't show very often.
6. We are great at remembering when a previous presentation went bad before and catrophising about what is going to go wrong in the future.
Just how many times have you fantasised about getting it right and having a wonderful session. We don't. We think of all the bad stuff
7. Some of us don't like being the centre of attention
So we speak quicker and get off so people may not notice us anyway!
8. What we focus on (or worry about) actually changes our brain so we worry more.
Plus all these other points 1-10 help us to over-think even more. Our brain gets overwhelmed and blank!
9. We have built up public speaking into this huge deal and we think we have to be perfect to do it.
So we put ourselves under massive pressure to be really good.
10. Oh yes we have an adrenaline squeeze as well
Heart racing, dry mouth, shaky legs, red face etc
If we keep on thinking like this - no wonder we find it hard to do public speaking. All of this is a lot of work. That's why we need to spend sometime re-thinking public speaking so that it becomes easier, calmer and a lot less work. It needn't be this way!
]]>She is not the only person to have been scared by being the centre of attention at a wedding. A few years ago I had a man in my group who dropped a number of friendships with really good mates when they got engaged - just in case they asked him to be the best man. He wasn't even sure he was going to be asked but just in case he decided to forego his friendships. Painful stuff.
For many people the idea of the wedding day is not a happy one and that makes me sad. It could be a wonderful time. I think taking our place in the world includes celebrating our big days well. Learning Presence is about being able to be the centre of attention with ease. It doesn't take long and can make a huge difference to your wedding day. Re-reading this post I sound like a sentimental man. I confess that I am.
]]>I often talk about mindfulness on my course and I've been meaning to do a video on it. But I've just spotted a new video from the Scientific American Blog "Streams of Consciousness". On the video Amishi Jha, director of Contemplative Neuroscience at the University Of Miami, says
"Being mindful means being aware of our present moment experience, being in the here and now without emotional reactivity or a story line about what is happening"
Mindfulness is simply about being in the present with acceptance. This positive distancing ourselves from the stream of thoughts constantly going on in our heads is really useful when thinking about public speaking anxiety. I think we have a wild and tubulent brain thinking all sorts of thoughts. So when some people come on my public speaking courses they may feel overly anxious to begin with and my job is to help them relax.
]]>In my eyes, owning up to past mistakes is not a weakness but he seems to think it is and attempts to dodge the reporter's repeated questions. In his three minutes Mr Bates turned me from a neutral observer into someone who wouldn't trust that brand at all. I know that is probably deeply unfair. But that is my gut feeling. We all make mistakes - tell us what you learnt by overcoming them - tell us how much you have learnt by re-thinking the whole process. Honesty, candour, humility and authencitity would have saved the day. In short, be real Mr Bates.
]]>Over the last ten years I've made lots of notes on what people say about the fear of public speaking. The phrases below are taken from my public speaking courses. At the beginning of the day I ask "What gets in the way for you when you think of public speaking or you actually are speaking? There is a wide range of answers including "I think the audience will kill me" to "my hands are huge". It's a very long list and they are all in our heads!
The list for me is fascinating - it gives an insight into what it means to be human because clearly lots of people are thinking the same things. So can I calm you a little by saying this is a collection of what around a thousand people have said, not just one person! Of course a lot of similar phrases get repeated in many courses and this list is not exhaustive. I'm still collecting them so please do add any of your own using the comments section.
By far the biggest section of these fears is around shame, perfectionism, being self-conscious and being afraid of other people's judgements. We seem to carry a strong belief that we are no good, we are not worthy, which translates into the thought "If I go out in front of an audience all of my shame will be revealed, everyone will see I'm no good." It's not true but that's what many many of us think.
These fears can be strong or overwhelming or they can just be in the background but they do make public speaking an anxious time for lots of people. So learning to feel comfortable in public speaking clearly isn't about "keeping your chin up" or "practice, practice, practice" . We need first to understand our patterns of thinking that produce these fears. We create our very own storm of worry and anxiety. Through evolution our human brain is really good at looking for threat and sniffs out threat when it really isn't there. That's why learning about our own wonky evolutionary brain, trying out new ways of seeing ourselves, and to explore the new skills we need to go along with these learnings can create a big shift in how people experience public speaking. You can change how you feel. No worries, mate.
Being physically awkward, Bits of my body act strangely, Brain freeze – Brain Blank, Crying, Cursing the amount of adrenaline, Dry mouth, Drying up and going sweaty, Flushing, Freeze, Going red, Hands are bigger than normal, Heart racing, Hyperventilating, I feel uptight, Leg shaking, Memory fails, Red face, Shaking, Shallow breathing, Sweating in strange places, Throat tightens, Tight chest, Uncontrollable arms, Vision decreases, Voice gets quieter
Dread – full of dread, Going to fail, I cry, I get alert about panic – and create panic within myself, I just die, Lose control, Nausea, Pressure, Restlessness, The pack (the audience) will turn on me, Trapped nowhere to hide,
Bad memories, Bizarre thoughts – I have, Fantasy of it before – going over and over it in my mind, I become someone else – Mr nervous guy, Negative self-talk, Nothing you can do, Overwhelmed, Poison from inner critic, What if’ing,
Great expectations on me, Harming my career, I will be the only one talking, I will get difficult questions, Scared of fear, Taking our life in our hands, Tears – I will cry,
Can’t do it, I didn’t apply for that job because of the presentations at the interview, I swapped courses at university and ended up doing something I hated just to get out of speaking, I want to walk away, If I choke on this sweet I won’t have to do it , If I die I will miss it,
A question caught me out, I fainted when I did a presentation, I had to run out of the room, I just froze, I just left the job, I really messed up and it all went wrong, Memories come back of bad times, Someone heckled me 20 years ago,
Extraordinary potential for failure, Fear of fear, Fear of losing control, Fear of people, Fear of questions, Fear of rambling, Fear of reputation, Fear of talking rubbish, I worry that I be like a runaway train, One mistake and that’s me done forever, One single person doesn’t like it – that floors me, Scared of being terrified, Will they kill me?, Will they like me?, Worried about forgetting,
Always think the worst of myself, Am I wearing the right clothes?, Annihilation , , Audience is judging me, Could be used against you, Disappointed in my self, Doubt what I know, Envy of people who can do it, Everyone else is better, Fear of being seen to be a fool, I am boring, I am crap, I am no good, I am not worthy, I feel intimidated, I have to be in control, I have to be more interesting, I have to be perfect, I should be better than I am, I will fail, I’m boring, I am not as good as others, I’m not good enough, I’m not ok, Judging ourselves,, You might see me fail,
By now I should have got it, Comparing myself, Expert – I have to be an expert, Got to entertain, Huge Expectations on me, I have to be relevant, important and engaging, I have to get it together, Perfect - I have to be perfect to present, Pressure to perform.
Conscious of my breathing, I care too much, I feel removed and exposed, Isolated, Pauses seem very long – my pauses, Self takes centre stage, Self-conscious, Separate, Standing out from the crowd, Voice isn’t powerful, What do I look like?, Whatever the evidence is – it’s always terrible,
Be laughed at, Being the centre of attention – everyone looking at me, Embarrassment about nerves, Hostile audience, I am transparent – they will see through me, I will be heckled, No longer part of the tribe, No one is listening, Not expert enough, Risk looking stupid, Risk of being ostracised, There will be a creep in the audience making a pass at me, They all know I’m crap…. Boring…no good, They want to see me fail, They will find me out, They will see that I am nervous, They will spot my weakness, They won’t want to hear what I have to say, Weight of expectations from others, What will they think of me?
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A couple of years ago I met Sue Austin on an over-crowded train that was stuck in Birmingham New Street station. We had a a really interesting conversation and I was struck by her passion, her intelligence and her humanity. So today it was wonderful to come across her again doing a Ted talk. Her work is about challenging self-imposed limitations and fears and how can we develop new stories about ourselves. As you will see, she is a remarkable woman.
]]>"I can't hear him whistling"
"I said I taught him. I didn't say he learned it"
(from David Minton)
Just because you've done a presentation doesn't mean you have changed the audience. Did you think about what the audience wanted and why they should bother learning to whistle? Too many people present without thinking it through from the audience's point of view. How does it affect their lives? Why should they bother to learn this new skill? What part of the presentation grabbed them?
Think audience, audience audience or you'll end up barking up the wrong tree.
]]>Until now. 9 million people have seen this airline safety video on youtube. Air New Zealand are doing something different.
Enjoy the video but why not re-think the safety announcement even further.
So as passengers when we hear the safety announcement it would feel alive, the stewards really connects to us and it's different evey time. Why not train airline stewards in presence and the skills needed for great presentations. Any airline up for it?
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